Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Suffering in Secret

The loudest and scariest noise I can remember besides my Mother screaming... was the big drum accompanied by the drum corp at a Las Cruces Homecoming parade when I was about three years old. I felt as though my heart would come out of my chest with each beat.

I was always a shy child. I compensated by forcing myself to join drama productions as a youngster and by taking speech class every year from high school into college. In high school, lunch was the worse time of the day. I hated walking into the cafeteria surrounded by other kids who seemed so comfortable in their surroundings. Knowing that I kept to myself--- afraid if I sat with anyone, I would end up making a fool of myself.
I have a sensitivity to fluorescent light. I am hyper sensitive to criticism, studies show that people with my disorder grew up in a highly critical environment. Studies have shown that people with this disorder are very creative and intelligent.... I suppose when they're not busy scaring themselves to death.

As I go through the tapes learning about how to live with this disorder, I have decided to write daily. Perhaps one day, it might help another understand the fear.

FOR TODAY September 2, 2008, Tuesday
Outside My Window...A very quiet day clear skies, big puffy clouds...Breafast: Protein Shake Lunch: Chile Beans Dinner: a salad

I am wearing... brown sweat shorts and a white tee...

I am creating... a platform for understanding the sadness and depression

I am going... to the gym rather I'm being dragged to the gym; but always thankful that I went

I am reading... the newspaper

I am hoping... I can remember to offer up the darkness in my soul

I am hearing... the sound of the air conditioner humming away.

Around the house... quietly waiting ironing.

One of my favorite things... my grandchildren's smiles ;-)

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: Go with Luly tomorrow to watch her girls while she gets her hair highlighted. And ...keep remembering to offer this sadness up for the salvation of souls.

I want my God, to love you face to face.