Saturday, December 29, 2007

Christmas 2007

This year's Nativity was created by a priest in our parish, Fr. Carlos Espinoza. He is in Peru for two weeks beginning this morning for his 2 week vacation. He was sent here to learn English, a task which he accomplished very quickly. He was educated in Rome and was ordained by Pope John Paul II. A very humble priest, Father Carlos had many, many talents, of which we gradually became aware as he is an extremely quiet and still man.
Just before he left to visit his family in Peru, we found out that he had been reassigned to a mission parish in Garfield, New Mexico. We will miss him so much.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


For years since I've had the memory of Good Friday; I remember that our Lord asked, as he suffered an unspeakable and barbaric death: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing." This morning I awoke to this scene, finding myself in the midst of "them".

Truly, "them" always meant the roman soldiers who carried out the sentence. "Them" were the Jewish people who demanded his death, when Jesus didn't meet their expectation of the "Savior" they were expecting; "them" were the hierarchy of Judaism who suspected and mistrusted HIM.

This morning I found myself in the midst of these people. And I'm at the foot of the cross, in with the crowd that stood by as the Son of God gave His Life in exchange for mine. I stood there generations previous to mine, defying time and logic and finally experiencing the knowledge of complete and unmerited mercy.

"Forgive Lou Ann for she doesn't know what she was doing." Forgive her sin, forgive her selfishness, forgive her greed, forgive her inability to share with the poor, forgive her pride, forgive her vanity, forgive that she broken every Commandment; forgive that she never cared to know how I would see her heart if she had indeed died on the Highway in Silver City months ago. Forgive that alcohol has always been more important to her than My grace. Forgive that she never asks my will for her life, and when I ask her to do something for Me, she does it but not with her whole heart. Forgive that she has gone through the motions of her faith without truly giving everything to Me. Forgive that she has not ask Me first before making a decision. Forgive that she usually does everything her way, not Mine. Forgive that she spends very little time in prayer, often hurrying through the scriptures, the rosary, the prayers I've asked her to say. Forgive that she never offers fasting or sacrifice and prayer for the salvation of souls. Forgive that she doesn't speak to everyone she meets about the love I have for souls. Forgive that she reads during her visits to the Blessed Sacrament and refuses to silence her soul so that I can speak. And Father, not only forgive her... Father, please forget all her sins.

How did I find myself at Calvary? I asked Mary to take me there on November 13, 2007.
O Mary, my Mother and my gracious Lady,
I offer you my soul, my body, my life and death,
all that will come after it.
I place everything in Your hands.
O my Mother, cover my souls with your virginal mantle
and grant me the grace of purity of heart, soul and body.
Defend me with Your power against all enemies,
especially against those who hide their malice behind the mask of virtue. Fortify my souls that pain may not break it.
Mother of Grace, teach me to live by God's power.
(Diary 315)
Thank you, fair Lady and Gentle Mother!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Letter for Monica Antonia Socha

My Dearest Monica:

Today you were baptized into the Catholic Church! Your Mommy invited me to your first sacrament, but Grandma Paz was sick and couldn't come to be with you. One day, I will tell you what I suffered two nights before your baptism and how the intercession of some small saints saved me.

I want you to know that I thought of you today. Today is the 32nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, the day of your baptism! The first reading from 2Maccabees 7:1-2 and 9-14 speaks about what a person who knows God will withstand in order to remain faithful to God's law. They would be brave, noble, they would die with courage seeing their suffering as nothing compared to the hope of being raised from the died with by Him.

The Psalm for your special day is from Psalm 17 the final verse:

Keep me as the apple of your eye, hide me in the shadow of your wings.

But I in justice shall behold your face;

on waking I shall be content in your presence

R. Lord, when your glory appears, my joy will be full.

The gospel was from Luke 20. The Sadducee who deny that there is resurrection came forward to question Jesus and proposed a scenario concerning a woman who married various brothers following the death of each; in Heaven who would bethe rightful husband? Jesus said there there was no marriage among the dead and that God was a God of the living and not the dead. For HIM all are alive.

I pray that at your baptism, Monica you lifted your heart to God. You gazed upon the beauty of the Lord, and received whatever gifts or spiritual senses He granted to you. May His glory and majesty pierce you to the core; knowing that He is preparing you for the day when finally enter HIS kingdom in all it's splendor and beauty.

In your life my sweet baby Monica, may you be in awe of His love for you. May He reveal to you His great majesty so that you can daily become more like Him.

Sweetheart, from the beginning you must believe that you are a "Saint" in the making. That you were truly fashioned and created in His image and likeness and that you are destined to return to the Father, your Creator in Heaven.

I love you, but Jesus loves you so much that He died for you, and His Mother waits to lead you to her Son, who in turn will lead you to the throne of His Father. The Holy Spirit will fill your with every grace you will need for the journey. Trust in the Trinity always, my dearest baby!

Antonia was my Grandma. She was your Great-great grandma and you were named after her. She was a very poor woman but very rich in grace. She always told your Great-Grandma, Nana and my mother that she was so poor she had no estate, no legacy to pass on to her only daughter, my mother, Lupe. All she had was the Faith. That faith was her only legacy to her daughter. That legacy has been passed on to me, and then to your Mommy, and now to you. One day, you will pass this great gift and inheritance to your children. Everything will pass away, Sweetheart. All riches, jewels, real estate, stock, and riches will pass unto dust, but this great faith will never fade or pass away. Happy Baptism, my precious little Saint!


Thursday, November 8, 2007

Wait for the Lord!

.... take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!"

Psalm 27:14


I'm almost finished reading : FATIMA IN LUCIA'S OWN WORDS. It was translated into English by the Nuns of Perpetual Rosary and published by the Ravengate Press Box 103 in Cambridge, Massachusetts 02138. In these memoirs, Sister Lucia the remaining seer in 1963 had been asked by the Bishop to write down her recollections of the events leading to the apparitions of the the Blessed Virgin Mary to three very young shepherds beginning in 1915 with the apparition(s) of an the Angel of Peace. Francisco and Jacinta were brother and sister, Lucia was their first cousin. The angel prepared the children by teaching them the prayers needed to recite the rosary which they use to recite by saying "Hail Mary" on the decade beads and saying "Our Father" on the single bead separation the decades. They were too little to know the prayers so their rosary said daily went very quickly and they were off to play.

The first prayer that the Angel taught them was to fall on their knees, bend their little heads till they touched the ground and then recite in (reparation for the sins of many) repeatedly:

"Oh Most Holy Trinity, we believe in You,

we adore You, we hope and trust in You, and we love you.

We beg pardon of all those who do not believe in You,

do not adore You, do not hope and trust in You,

and do not love You throughout the world"

Two more apparitions occurred where the children were taught the mystery of the "hidden Jesus" in the Eucharist, and were taught the prayers needed to recite the rosary.

Shortly after, the Blessed Mother of Fatima visited the children on the 13th of each month for a period of time. Of course, Jacinta being the youngest could not contain her joy of the apparition of Jesus' mother and told her family. Great pressure was placed on the families of the seers to take back what they claimed to see. Poor babies, they were told by the Blessed Mother not to disclose what she was showing and telling them, and they were being ordered by their parents to state that the whole story was a lie.

These children were persecuted and thrown into prison for not disclosing the "secrets" given to them by the Blessed Virgin Mary, and for not admitting to a lie. Francisco and Jacinta were told that they would be taken to heaven very soon but would suffer greatly until such time. But Lucia, the eldest of the three, (she was ten years old) would have to remain here on earth until the Father called her. She would be the keeper of the secrets releasing them when God told her to do so. Such obedience and humility is this story of these little souls who sacrificed and prayed for sinners and reparation to Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of His Mother.

Today's gospel Luke 15:1-10 are two stories Jesus told about a lost sheep and a lost coin. I imagine that the sheep wandered away, where as the coin was misplaced. No matter, how they got lost, the owner(s) see these lost things as having great value. One leaves ninety-nine sheep to search for the lost one; the owner of the coin sweeps every corner of the house searching for the coin. Both rejoice when they find what was lost.

Whether we wander away, or we are misplaced by mental illness, or misunderstanding, or gossip, or persecution, or mistreatment from the body of Christ that has been entrusted to care for us. God will find us! If we seek to be found. If we are in his heart today, let us not forget to offer sacrifices for our brothers who are currently lost or misplaced. Those who don't know Him, adore Him, hope and trust in HIM. The rosary is so beautiful and so powerful to win souls to His Divine Sacred Heart. His Mother is our Mentor, her humility our map to her Son's Heart.

Ask for the graces everyday to enter into a deeper love of Mary's Son Jesus. She was chosen as an immaculate and perfect vessel of LOVE. Her "yes" brought Jesus to us, for our Salvation. Our "yes" to follow her example of following the Father's will perfectly, will bring us to her Son, though the Holy Spirit, to the throne of God the Father, who seeks to find this creation of "great value" crafted in the image and likeness of HIMSELF.
Don't give up. God will find us all. But once found and reconciled, the rest is up to us to surrender our will and pride to be used and to serve according to His will and good pleasure for the Kingdom. Wait for the Lord! ...and then like a good servant, wait on the Lord. In silence and great generosity give Him the best of everything, holding nothing for yourself.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The 35th Anniversary

Here we are at a Knights of Columbus Dinner at La Posta last year. This was also our anniversary night. Bishop Ramirez gave us a blessing that evening. Thirty-four years of experiences and life shared sometimes closely and sometimes as two individuals sharing the same path but on different sides of a vast river that separates us. We keep each other in sight, but time, obligations, and lack of care have at times taken their toll, each on our own path, yet in the same direction.
Sometimes so close that we are truly one person. Sometimes strangers in the same bed. But always committed to the same sacrament that united us for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health until death part us.

This year was so different. Frankie went to the Knights of Columbus Corporate Communion. All the Councils meet to participate at Mass together and to receive the Eucharist together. I didn't go, but Frankie said that it was so beautiful. Each month they choose a different church. This time it was the mission in San Isidero. Then he went to Dona Ana to pick up the twins and then he picked me up and off we went to the 11:00 o'clock Mass at St. Genevieve. Nana made us an excellent lunch. I wished that she had taken a picture of the lunch because it truly looked like art and it was too beautiful to eat. We asked Nana if we could take Father Richardo, because it was his birthday. So he joined the feast. Then we went home to change into our hiking clothes and Father and the twins joined us for a hike up to Dripping Springs. The boys took off like rabbits. Fearing that they would be lost, we had to run to find them. They didn't pace themselves and soon became tired and cranky. So Father and Frankie completed the trail and the boys and I waited on a rock under a beautiful shade tree. Soon Father and Frankie met up with us and then the twins suggested that they needed horses to take them back to their car. Poor Father and Frankie carrying a twin on their shoulders as the boys barked orders to their "caballo".
We took the babies home. Lia and Berto had brought them guitars which delighted them! On the way home, Frankie asked if I wanted to go to the novena that had been started for St. Jude. We went and said the novena and the rosary. How blessed we both were that day! Later, I told my husband and friend of 35 plus years that this was the best anniversary ever. It was such a wonderful gift from the heavens.
Also at the end of Mass as Father's custom, he asks "Donde es la fiesta?" The community is encouraged to announce birthdays, anniversaries and celebrations. The applause is always louder for the wedding anniversaries because some marriages are difficult and some are more difficult than others. I asked Frankie not to raise his hand. It was difficult for him to keep his arm from waving about like a flag for the 35 years he has lived through. I felt that the graces necessary to stay together were from Our Lady who intercedes for us and that personally I didn't merit any of those graces and surely didn't merit any (heaven forbid) applause.
Later after the rosary, the people sang "Las Mananitas" to Father. Then sneaky Father asked them to sing it again to commemorate our anniversary. Frankie got a big smile on his face. I thanked our Holy Mother for such a great grace.

Monday, November 5, 2007

So Thankful!

I am thankful for days the Lord gave me strength. The hours it took to give of myself unselfishly and with the grace that only the Spirit could provide to my children and my husband. My prayer was always let me raise my girls to know the Trinity and the Love that uniquely and lovingly created each of these most wonderful children.

How did we do it? I believe that we had love and where there is love there is God. And so he blesses our blunders and heals our mistakes, and He requires only love from us.

Today, I am sick. Sinking into a dark hole and all I want is rest. And I pray that the God of mercy heal our sins and our barriers to heaven that he gives us the resolve to pray with out ceasing for the salvation of souls, for the reparation of sins against the Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heat of Mary;

Estoy tan cansada! That I such a sinnner have no merit but ask for mercy and for forgiveness, trusting that such is the mercy of God.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I'm So Sorry!

The last two weeks have been a blessing. I found a friend. I called her after I learned that her 30 year old child had taken the opportunity while alone to end her suffering.

Last weekend was both bitter and sweet. Just like life is generally. Like a mountain trail some parts easy and beautiful and others steep, rocky and difficult. My friend, Jane had told me that Victoria's daughter had shot herself. She explained that at the age of 28 and after experiencing domestic violence and adultery in her short marriage; Sara was coming home from a night out when two men posing as undercover police officers pulled her car over. One man broke the side glass of the driver side window with his flash light and began to beat Sara. Both men drove Sara's car to the desert and raped and beat her near death.

Sara later reported to her mother, Victoria that in the darkness of that desert night a "black angel picked her up and carried her to her car". Sara reported seeing figures motioning her to walk towards them, but the black angel instructed that "it wasn't her time to go". The black angel placed her in her car and somehow Sara made it home.

As was their custom when they got home, who ever was arriving knocked softly on the other's bedroom door to let them know they were home safe. Sara softly scratched on her mom's door that evening. It was very late, and Victoria knew that she would probably have to wake up a little earlier to take Julia, Sara's daughter to school.

The next morning, Victoria found Sara enveloped by the bed sheet head to toe. She grabbed one of her feet and pulled her toes playfully. "Time to get up, Sara." Her mother unaware that a hang over was not the cause of Sara's fatigue.

Victoria was surprised when a cousin came over very early and happened to walk right in the house as the door was obviously unlocked. The cousin walked right into Sara's room and began screaming when she saw the bed drenched in Sara's blood.

For two years, Sara attempted, I believe with great courage to rebuild her life. The rapist at times would make his presence known prior to his arrest, filling her life with fear. Sara was recovering from a bout with cancer. She got an apartment at one time and moved from her mother and grandmother's home; only to return again driven by so much torment and fear. Victoria tells me that Sara was always apologizing. When her mom would rock her to sleep during one of her panic attacks.

One event presided by one too many violent events, changed that soul's life forever. I never met Sara. I feel that I know her intimately by my conversations with her mother. I know that Victoria came back to the Church shortly after the rape because the cross handed to her was too much to bear without the help of our Savior and Lord. I know that the church community in obedience to the Lord began to protect and make a home for Victoria years before Sara would find no other recourse than to end her own life.

At Sara's funeral mass, her mother, Victoria read the second reading. But I will write more about that blessing in another entry. Today, I just want to say that although, I could never imagine the suffering of that one little soul, her mother says that I say: "I'm sorry a lot, like Sara."

I say I'm sorry because I remember the person I was before I got sick. I say I'm sorry because I see in the eyes and I hear in the voices of the people I love, and that I acknowledge that they don't understand the darkness and the separation from life itself that mental illness takes you. I'm sorry because I can't help you with your kids right now. I'm sorry that I get so tired and so sad. I'm sorry that I'm not the person that you deserve. I want you to know, that with all my heart
I do try, and I pray because these days, that is all I can do.

I too, pray for death. I know that God will not allow me to interfere with His Plan which is perfect. I tried once, and I promised I would never try again when I awoke in the hospital. Yet it is hard to see the disappointment in the faces of the people I love when they seek the person who no longer exists in this body. I want a great wife for my husband and a terrific mother for my children. But these days I'm broken and worth so little. I know that I disappoint and hurt the ones closest to me. I can try and try and still it would never meet the expectation and I am left defeated and tired. And all I can say is: "I am so sorry!"

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

From Thérèse to Céline

Carmel, 2 August 1893
Dear little Céline,
Your letter filled me with consolation. The road on which you are walking is a royal road, it is not a beaten track, but a path traced out by Jesus Himself. The spouse of the Canticles says that, not having found her Beloved in her bed, she arose to look for Him in the city but in vain; after having gone out of the city, she found Him whom her soul loved! . . . Jesus does not will that we find His adorable presence in repose; He hides Himself; He wraps Himself in darkness. It was not thus that He acted with the crowd of Jews, for we see in the Gospel that the people were carried away when He was speaking. Jesus used to charm weak souls with His divine words, He was trying to make them strong for the day of trial . . . But how small was the number of Our Lord's friends when He was silent before His judges! . . . Oh! what a melody for my heart is this silence of Jesus . . . He made Himself poor that we might be able to give Him love. He holds out His hand to us like a beggar so that on the radiant day of judgment when He will appear in His glory, He may have us hear those sweet words: "Come, blessed of my Father, for I was hungry and you gave me to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave me to drink; I did not know where to lodge, and you gave me a home. I was in prison, sick, and you helped me." It is Jesus Himself who spoke these words; it is He who wants our love, who begs for it . . . He places Himself, so to speak, at our mercy, He does not want to take anything unless we give it to Him, and the smallest thing is precious in His divine eyes . . .
Dear Céline, let us take delight in our lot, it is so beautiful. Let us give, let us give to Jesus; let us be miserly with others but prodigal with Him . . .
Jesus is a hidden treasure, and inestimable good which few souls are able to find for it is hidden, and the world loves what sparkles. Ah! if Jesus had willed to show Himself to all souls with His ineffable gifts, no doubt there is not one of them that would have despised Him. However, He does not will that we love Him for His gifts, He Himself must be our reward. To find a hidden thing one must hide oneself; our life must then be a mystery. We must be like Jesus, Jesus whose face was hidden. . . . "Do you want to learn something that may be of use to you?" says the Imitation.1 "love to be unknown and accounted for nothing . . . " And elsewhere: "After you have left everything, you must above all leave yourself; let one man boast of one thing, another of something else; as for you, place your joy only in contempt of yourself." What peace these words give to the soul, Céline. You know them, but do you not know all I would like to say to you? . . . Jesus loves you with a love so great that, if you were to see it, you would be in an ecstasy of happiness that would cause your death, but you do not see it, and you are suffering.
Soon Jesus will stand up to save all the meek and humble of the earth!. . .

Still Waiting

I believe that waiting demands patience. It demands the surrender of control. To me waiting can sometimes be like time spent while a jury deliberates your freedom. Waiting to recover from an illness. Other times, waiting can be the time in between seasons, with each new one bringing its special characteristics and activities. We can't control the seasons, each is uniquely and wondrously made. As we grow we accept each within their own awaking, maturing and death.

Spring- new life found in all of creation, Resurrection, the promise of eternal salvation, Easter egg hunts, children in crisp pastel dresses like decorated cupcakes, new hope, a new baptism candle, and all of it a glimpse of Heaven.

Summer- hot especially in New Mexico. Longer days the sun doesn't surrender it's throne until past eight in the evening. Celebrations, cook outs, cooling off in the pool, enjoying the refrigerated air of a shopping center upon departing a car who's air conditioner requires more freon. There are fireworks, and ice cream, and re-runs of the programs you missed in the fall because you were so busy with real stuff.

Fall- my personal favorite because of all the gifts this season brings. Brand new school supplies where brand new ideas and learning can be transcribed. Pumpkin pie with whipped cream, scary and very sweet costumes, the availability of much too much candy hidden away where only the grown ups have access; there is the turkey feast where we come together to share our excess food in thanksgiving for our excess belongings. The colors in nature are an amazing transformation of warmth as those all of nature is snuggling in one last time in their clothes prior to exposing all when finally the leaves must die and fall. I love the fall, not only because my birthday is in September, but because I see in God's creation a grace in preparing to die. It comforts me, it always has because, so much life is raked up and mulched or placed in bags and it reminds me that we are all here like these seasons; each with it's own time for the showcase each with it's time to pass, awaiting the following year. No one season overstaying it's visit, but graciously departing with class, like a lady or gentleman knowing the precise moment to leave a gathering.

Winter- is truly about waiting. Everything living lies dormant under the earth. Above the ground, cold, sometimes snow. The trees bare. Too cold to venture out too far from the warmth of friends and family. In that stillness, we busy ourselves to the point of silliness for Christmas. We give those we love gifts to celebrate the greatest gift given to mankind. Fires in the hearths, remind us that soon warmth will come. In the quiet of nature's pregnancy lies a promise, that once again each season will present itself. Each unique and glorious. And we know that in just a few months the winds will kick up all the pollen and new flowers and blossoms will come forthCan there be a freedom associated with waiting?

Only if I were truly resolved to accept with grace any decision I am handed. Like the seasons. Each one symbolizing a time of my life that has passed too soon. Did I really enjoy the spring of my life. Yes. Yes, Lord I did. Thank you for the parents that I had that worked so hard to ensure that my childhood would be fun and yet disciplined. Thank you that my innocence was guarded and protected by these two people. That I never had to worry about food or where I was going to sleep. Thank you that I knew that I was loved. I praise you for my grandmother in who's body I climbed into for comfort and saw in her eyes my first example of unconditional love.

Thank you for finding my first and only love. Thank you for his heart of perseverance while I grew up as a wife and mother.

For my daughters, I really can't begin to express my gratitude for these women. They teach me each day what motherhood is by their amazing example of love and patience.

Have I been hanging on to Spring too long? Have the wrinkles on my face like the crisp leaves ushered in the fall of my life? Has the snow on the roof of my head which I diligently cover with color and some terrific high lights alerted me to the fact that winter has indeed arrived, and it now time to prepare for the quiet sleeping of eternal life until the resurrection?

I'm waiting.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

A Letter for Jeanette

I was talking to Carrie this morning and asking for you. She asked for prayer on your behalf. I can't say that I understand what you are going through, because I can't possibly know the weight of the cross you're having to carry. Today during my meditations and prayer a common theme came out. I want to share the message for you because it is not only for my heart but for yours as well. Here it is:

My beloved little ones, how I love you! I beg you, no matter what may be going on around you be not afraid. Keep me in your heart and close to your every move and breath. Keep focused on what is good and what is love and mercy and not on what the world would have you focus on. My peace I instill and infuse within your hearts and all the hearts who follow My Light and My Truth. Let faith rule your very beings. Do not fear for I am with you at all times. Call on me and I will be there. Let hope and joy permeate your very beings and you will know My Presence. Put me back in your lives, in your hearts, for this is where I belong. Please pray for those who have become so tepid and lukewarm. Those who have put Me first in your lives, please pray for your wayward brothers and sisters. Come back to Me. Adore Me. Praise Me. Pray with Me and to Me. Love Me. I love you.

It's when we are at our weakest, that God can be strength for us. He is a God of mercy and you need to cry out to Him. Ask him for the grace not to be scared but rather to face each day with His strength and hope. Call the church and ask that a Eucharistic minister visit you and bring you Jesus. You need him now more than ever. If that's not possible then ask Jesus to come into your heart and heal your pain. I love you, Sweetheart! My prayers are with you as together we ask God for a miracle.

You say: "It's impossible"

God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you
(John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5- 6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things
(Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28 )

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME

Litany of Humility

Thank you Lord for the time I was given in front of your Blessed Sacrament today. Thank you for the necessary humility to apologize in obedience to your will. Thank you for the mental illness I suffer so I may decrease daily as your presence in me increases. Your grace is sufficient for all you ask of me. Jesus, I trust in You.

Thank you, O Jesus, Meek and humble of Heart and hear me..
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being esteemed ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumnited ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged ...
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected ...
Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I ...
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should ...
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Not Myself Lately

I'm confronted with a situation. I wonder about what people did in the past when they got sick. What did they do when they became depressed. What did they do? I'm sure that many found comfort in their faith and prayed. I wonder if their families helped them or just gave up on them.

I know that I've found that my family just wants me well. Not for my sake as much as for their own. "I don't like seeing you like this." I don't like it that you are so unhappy. I think that the pressure can send one to the first remedy available without trying to find the reason behind the feelings of loss and sadness.

One of my friends talked about the fact that depression stems from anger. Probably repressed anger. I know that there is a root cause for everything. What I must decide is to get the quick fix or to take the other less traveled route.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

I'm Still Here

Hello Again

I attempted to write a little in the "Heaven Can't Wait" blog. However, when I tried to access the blog I got this one. My therapist wants me to journal. I'm happy that this blog opened up because it's private. I don't think anyone but me knows that it exists.

Lots has happened since my last visit and it would be ridiculous to try to catch up. It is truly
water under the bridge.

Today however is not. Not yet, anyway.

I woke up this morning. I dreamt that I was at a party. There were people from work and I was having a really great time until I had to get up and pee. I've been having a difficult time lately. Relationships between myself and those closest to me are strained. I want to move forward and in a way I can't seem to because I feel stuck. Not lost. Just stuck.

I'm going to take a few steps out of my situation by writing about the many blessing I have today. And perhaps I will begin to be grateful and with a new spirit be able to move out of this feeling of overwhelming sadness.

I'm so grateful for...

the person of Jesus. He is always with me... and even when I don't really feel Him, I know that he is not too far off. I'm thankful for my faith

my physical health.
Carrie's mother in law is dealing with the chemotheraphy necessary for fighting her breast cancer. Today and everyday, I'm cancer free. I'm in great shape for a 50+ woman!

the pharmacuticals available for feeding my chemically challenged brain. The little pill I take allows me sleep, to keep level headed, to function in a challenging world.

the blessing of my family. My handsome and steady husband. He doesn't share alot with me good or bad. But he is always there. My unique and beautiful daughters. I need to write about each one individually very soon. But I am very grateful for each of them.

my home. It is comfortable, beautiful, and warm in the winter, and because of a new air conditioner; cooler in the summer. I have bees and I'm asking them to relocate now. I imagine
them finding another place to call home.

Thank you Heavenly Father for the above mentioned blessings! Bless all these people and things for your glory.


Sunday, May 6, 2007

Love One Anther

Today at Mass, Father began the Lord have Mercy with: "For the times we have spoken without love, Lord have Mercy." For the times we have judged, gossiped, have been rude and have through our words and actions have chosen not to participate in the renewal on the earth. Christ have Mercy.

I thought about the incredible rudeness that my sister-in-law shows to me on a daily basis. A few days ago, I had gone outside to pick up the newspaper. At the same moment that I was rescuing the daily from it's grave of rocks, she went by in her car and chose to ignore that I was standing right there watching her go by.

I've called her and left many unanswered messages. One day, I finally asked her if I had hurt her or annoyed her some way. She said "No." Not offering any explaination. It is so easy to feel that I have a right to behave the same way towards her in response. However, that is a temptation. I started remembering that her mother had suffered from mental illness all her life. And I also recalled that a few years ago, she was behaving the same way. I don't know if she is suffering as well. There is so much that we don't know about the lives of those closest to us. She seems troubled with many unresolved issues with her immediate family.

It doesn't matter that those closest to us treat us poorly. We have such an opportunity to bear the hurt as redemptive suffering for the salvation of souls. We are commissioned by Jesus to respond in love. In this case, it means to forget and forgive the bad behavior. I will begin to pray asking God to bring her close to Him. Please Mary remind me not to take any of these opportunities for granted and to be happy to suffer for Him.

I want my God, to love you face to face.